It is incredible how much perspective you gain as a parent – Mommyhood has allowed me to truly appreciate and value my mom and all her wonders; and due to it I have my utmost respect for all mothers. Having said that, I think it’s impossible to show my mom how much gratitude and love I have for her – I do tell her often, but not enough – because I truly adore her, and Emma and I are blessed to have her in our lives.
As for me, I feel like the luckiest mom in the world for having Emma. For mother’s day she recited a short poem to me – one that she was taught in school. It was amazing watching her recite the poem and do all the hand gestures that went along with it. The best part of it was how proud she was of herself when she finished it – as was I. She doesn’t seize to amaze me every single day :). The poem would have been enough but she also gave me some flowers and butterflies she colored in school that say “Mom I love you” and her handprint on a heart which I placed on my desk at work. The heart says – “My mom gave me life, gave me love and I repay her with my love and my heart. I love you, Emma.” Even though her teacher wrote those words, I know Emma means them – even if she doesn’t fully understand them. The other day she came up to me and said “Mommy, I love you so much!” and then proceeded to hug me. Ohh how I want to hold on to those moments… Emma means the world to me and I couldn’t be happier to be her mom.
When Emma was born I was consumed by an immense love for her – which continues to grow on a daily basis – and regardless of how stressed out or frustrated I get – with the world or with her – it never takes away from the happiness she gives me every single day. I can be having the worst kind of day but when I see her little face and her smile, all I feel is joy. My heart tingles when she kisses me or tells me she loves me and it seems implausible to live without her.
What is being Emma’s mom like? It is the most precious gift – one that challenges me every single day, that makes me grow in ways I didn’t even think were possible, that teaches me unexpected things about the world and about myself and allows me to truly understand the meaning of love and view the world with a new set of eyes.
I am very grateful and extremely lucky and blessed to be her Mom. What was life like without my daughter? At this point, I am not sure, because life would be incomplete without her. Yes, she drives me nuts sometimes, but she is my little miracle.
I obviously love Emma more than words can express, but lately I don’t feel like I am the best mom I could be. I don’t even know what being the ‘best mom’ would be, but I do know that my patience with her is running low these days and that I am relieved when my husband gets home and I get some time off. I know a lot of it has to do with my lack of sleep, as my patience dwindles. But part of me is also tired of her running my life/dictating my movements. She cries if I am not with her/by her side all the time. I need to shower, cook, clean up a little, etc. So I definitely need to do things that don’t allow me to be stuck by the hip to her. I love her so much, that although I try to set the rules, I notice that she has managed to manipulate her way around them and gets away with things. She must have mastered this while she was sick. This week I’ve tried to compromise and negotiate with her but nothing seems to work, the fact that she constantly refuses to do things that need to get done is frustrating. I try to always talk to her about things, explain to her why I ask her for things or why she needs to do something and lately after returning from vacation, everything I hear from her is a scream, a cry, a tantrum. When she behaves I feel like it is the most amazing gift ever!
Yesterday, after trying the talking route and it not working, I ended up screaming at Emma and just plainly screaming at the air -out of frustration – which gets her even worse; and even though I know this is the effect it brings, I couldn’t help it. I don’t want to go the screaming route – I think it’s unhealthy for both her and I. I need to figure out how to better deal with her attitude and tantrums. I also need more sleep…
This is how I feel –
Is it terrible that I feel like I need a break from my daughter? Do other moms ever feel this way?